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The man in the barber chair signalled with his finger. 'Have you got another razor?' he whispered. 'Of course, sir,' said the barber. 'But may I ask you why?'
Cessna: 'Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel.'
Is There a War?
Two women neighbours are talking.
A Nice Catch
The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A tipsy- ooking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
A boy comes home after school.
His granny asks him: 'Well, tell me Jimmy, in what activities have you been engaged today?'
A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says, 'Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!' He replies, 'That's okay. I have two proofs.'
Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
Wait till It's Over
A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the pavement: 'I'll wait till the demonstration is over.'
Lost in the Desert
A traveller became lost in the desert. Realising his only chance for survival
was to find civilisation, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty.
More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on
the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, 'Water…'.
Discount Air Rides
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'
A Texan in Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.' Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.' The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?'
At the Doctor's
Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
- - - -
'You followed my prescription, haven't you?'
Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'
- - - -
Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'
The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons. "My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of silver. "Someone of the company had a hole in his pocket."
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
"Madam," said the kennel owner to the nouveau riche sportswoman, "I offer you this thoroughbred bloodhound."
- - - -
A tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the path in a park, munching at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, walking her pet Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively at the lady.
A Good Detective
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
A Job Wanted
A dog walks into a job centre, goes up to the woman at the desk and says, 'Good afternoon, miss. I'm looking for work.'
As a Scotsman's walking in the jungle, he meets a gorilla. The gorilla is eating a huge snake sandwich. 'Excuse me,' says the Scotsman, 'but where did you get that snake sandwich?' The gorilla looks up and points behind his back. 'At the snake bar round the corner.'
A Correct Answer
A student asks his professor if it's true that tigers and other wild animals won't attack you in the jungle at night if you're carrying a burning torch. The proffessor answers, 'Well, young man, it all depends on how fast you're carrying it.'
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a lead. The dog is wearing an England shirt. The barman nods and asks what he wants. 'A pint, please,' the man replies. He sets the dog down and starts watching the game on TV. When the local team score a goal, the dog goes jerking and dancing round the bar and doing back flips.
Danger on the Road
Little Tommy is about to leave for school. 'Be very careful on the road,' says his father. 'Don't you forget to look round twice when you cross.' 'Oh, daddy, you know I am always very careful,' he replies. 'But Tommy, I only mention this because mummy has gone to work by car today,' father says.
At the Restaurant
'Waiter, what's this?'
Some policemen who are fed up with everybody thinking they're but stupid fools decide to show their wit and skills to the world. With hard work, they learn how to walk on water. When they go down to the river to give a demonstration and start walking across the water, a guy watching from a bridge says to his mate, 'Look, those stupid folks don't even know how to swim.'
Teacher: 'What's your name?' Pupil: 'Henry Smith.' Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.' Pupil (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'
A librarian said to a man asking for a thriller: 'I can recommend you this book. It is a hair-raising story.'